Tired of Feeling Pissed Off
by PennyLane125
Summary: American History X fic. Now that Danny is dead, Derek will have to face the physical and emotional confrontations that are sure to follow.
1. The First Confrontations

A/N: This takes place after Danny's tragic death. I hope you guys enjoy this!  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing of any value. Honestly. Wish I did, but those Hollywood jerks do. Grrr.  
  
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Murray was the first one to visit me. I'd been in the bedroom for the past two days. Mom brought hot lemon water in to me every two hours. Davina slept in the living room and wouldn't stop crying. She had always been the unique one in the family - even with her crying. It wasn't quiet but wasn't loud either. It was the kind that faintly caught your attention, like the buzzing of a bee past your ear, and then disappeared. You tried to catch the sound again, thinking you had made it up but deep down knew that what you heard was real.  
  
I'd huddled under a blanket in the bed, two arms behind my head staring at the ceiling, thinking: it means nothing. It's bullshit. All of it.  
  
All of it, bullshit!  
  
My hands grazed the top of my head, the thick brown hair that had remained uncut for three years.  
  
"That do's gotta go."  
  
Danny.  
  
Everything eventually led back to Danny. But at the same time, everything led back to me. Me. My fault, my beliefs, my gun, my swastika tattoo and my vulnerability towards Cameron. The guilt enveloped me like Ma's cigarette smoke, choking me and blackening my lungs. All my racist propaganda, my fear, my anger. The D.O.C. was probably planning something massive against the kid who had done this. Cameron would want my head on a platter and at the same time, beat me down with a rowdy redneck chorus of "nah-na-na-nah-nah's", telling me he told me so, that he was right all along.  
  
Presently, I couldn't feel fear at the looming threat. I was hollow, totally fucking numb. I couldn't bring myself to revisit that day, in the bathroom, pushing past Sweeney and bursting through the door.  
  
I remember having a very powerful memory while I sat there, holding Danny's limp body. It was of when I had first come home. Mom, Devina and Ally were all sitting in the living room, rapidly talking about how they had missed me so much, how I looked great, how Mom was cutting down on cigarettes and how Davina was acing all her classes. We all became enveloped in a bear hug together and right at that moment, Danny burst through the front door, looking at me, like I'd never left. Like I had never been gone for the past three years.  
  
Danny, bursting through the front door.  
  
Me, bursting through the bathroom door.  
  
Why did Murray of all people visit me? He poked his head through the bedroom door, almost unrecognizable. There were far more gray streaks in his hair since the last time I saw him and he wasn't wearing his traditional suit. Instead, he was clad in a purple jogging suit. Un- fucking-believable.  
  
I barely moved from my position lying down as he shut the door and sat on the foot of the other bed, but my mind was racing with all the nasty things I had said to him back then at the dinner table.  
  
He looked straight at me, folding his hands in his lap. I heard the front door open and the flick of a lighter. Mom was outside. I opened my mouth to tell Murray to fuck off, when he got past me.  
  
"Your mother called me yesterday," he said. His voice was raspier than last time I'd talked to him. Talked? Not really. "She told me everything." I moved my head a fraction of an inch to the right, peering at him. He stared right back at me, hands still folded. He's got some balls, this one.  
  
I didn't say anything; just stared at him in blank recognition.  
  
"I offered to help with any arrangements you might need - well, assistance with, over the next little while." Yeah, like what? I thought. A funeral? Who would come? Seth? Cameron? Sweeney?  
  
"How can you sit there?" I choked out. "How in God's name can you sit there while you remember all the things I said to you? How do you do that?"  
  
Murray just looked at me for a minute; then shrugged. "You need to get out of bed, Derek. You look horrible."  
  
Thanks buddy.  
  
"Do you know how dangerous it is for me to be outside right now?" I said, staring back at the ceiling. "It was all wrong."  
  
I faintly heard Mom come back inside, closing the door behind her.  
  
"Well, aren't you being modest," Murray scoffed.  
  
"Fuck you!" I yelled, sitting up with a jerk. "Who do you think you are." but I suddenly stopped. Put my head in my hands and shook. I promised myself I wouldn't do this again. I wasn't gonna ever treat Murray like that again. He continued to stare at his lap.  
  
"I'm glad you got out of prison, Derek. I'm glad because your family needs you. Your mother needs you." I rolled over, facing the wall. A single tear squeezed out of my eye, but the numb feeling still remained.  
  
"It was all wrong," I repeated. "All of it." I clenched my fists around the bed sheets. "Why did it have to be him? There was no reason - none at all!"  
  
"Murray shifted on the bed behind me. "Don't question these things," he muttered. "It's not up to you to decide what's right and what's wrong."  
  
"I used to think so." What a bastard.  
  
"Well, ultimately Derek we never have and never will have that power. Especially you."  
  
I thumped my fist on the mattress. "You think I'm defending everything I did?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
My throat constricted. What the hell?  
  
"No, I'm not," I mumbled.  
  
"I think you are. Well, a bit anyways," he said, without hesitation. "I also believe that you are deeply sorry for what you did but of course, naturally, you'll be in defense of - not really your actions but in defense of you, yourself."  
  
I said nothing. This philosopher shit he was pulling was not what I needed right now. What I wanted was Seth to burst through that door and put a bullet in my skull.  
  
"You think I'm right?" he asked, but it was more along the lines of a statement. I wasn't going to dare reply.  
  
There was muttering outside the bedroom, and a sudden thump on the door that made both me and Murray peer warily over at it. Angry whispers came from Davina and Mom.  
  
"Maybe I'd better go," muttered Murray.  
  
"Maybe you'd better go," I mimicked. The bed sheets crinkled as he raised himself up and the floorboards creaked as he headed towards the door. As he pulled it open, there was a sudden outburst from Davina. I looked over, caught a glimpse of Davina's guilty face and hearing Mom light another cigarette.  
  
"You could have just knocked," Murray addressed her.  
  
"Hi Murray," she mumbled. She looked over at me and I bit my lip. Murray took this opportunity to slip out of the door. Davina tried to scurry after him but I motioned for her to come in.  
  
She slowly walked into the room, shutting the door behind her and standing at the foot of the bed, staring at me. Her eyes were puffy and her hair was stringy. I sat up, slowly loking at her, trying to read her thoughts.  
  
What are you thinking about me?  
  
That look she had given me when she first poked her head through the door, was one that I hadn't seen in a while. It was like she was afraid of me again. She thought I would fuck up again and go out, flipping a gun around my finger, scouring the boardwalk until I found that kid who did what he did to Danny.  
  
"What are you thinking, Dav?" I asked. She looked at the floor. "I know you were listening but I'm not mad."  
  
The words 'I'm not mad' seemed to give her a bit of reassurance and she looked up at me. I tried to form what I was thinking into words. All I could muster was a "Come here" and she came, sitting down beside me on the bed, and suddenly I was hugging her. She didn't want to cry anymore, yet she was still trembling with anger and fear. I didn't want her to e afraid of me. I didn't want anyone to.  
  
"What if Seth comes here?" she asked, pulling back and looking at me.  
  
I hadn't expected that. "He won't."  
  
"Aw, that's bullshit Derek! He's not going to ignore you, if you want something more definite."  
  
"I don't wanna think about Seth right now," I groaned, rubbing my eyes in frustration. But I had been, and that inviting gun he was always toting, just minutes ago.  
  
"You shouldn't stay here," Davina said. "We're all in danger."  
  
I looked at her in shock. "Why would you even think that?" I exclaimed. "I will not let anything bad happen to you," I reassured her, squeezing her hand. "You hear me?"  
  
She peered back at me, with this overwhelming tiredness in her eyes. "Why is it that I once almost killed you?" she asked suddenly. "God, I wanted to pound your fucking brains out with that baseball bat."  
  
I held my breath for a minute. "I would have, too," she insisted, and then let out a small laugh.  
  
I smiled. "Nah, you wouldn't have had the guts."  
  
"Oh, I so would have," she scoffed, ruffling my hair. "I could kick your ass anyday."  
  
"Like hell," I shot back and we sat there then, silent - united by the threat of my death from my baby sister. And then I hugged her again, committing everything we had said to one another to memory.  
  
What if all I had left were memories later on? 


	2. Out In The Open

A/N: Quick question. Does the movie take place in LA? Well, now I'm just assuming that it does.  
  
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I felt like the world's biggest asshole.  
  
"Just grab anything," Davina had said and she sprinted off towards the fruit section to get some oranges for Ally.  
  
I didn't get the chance to protest, so I was left standing there holding a plastic red basket with a box of Kraft Dinner and some crackers sitting in it.  
  
Standing and staring at the maxipads.  
  
It had been Mom's brilliant idea for me and Davina to go shopping. To get my mind on something else.  
  
Now I found myself in the worst situation ever. I longed to be staring at fruit with Davina instead of here.  
  
After Murray left, Mom had come into the bedroom to catch me and Davina hugging. "Ok, fuck it, get out of the house!" she exclaimed. I pulled away from Davina and looked at her. She looked flushed and reeked of cigarettes.  
  
"Okay," mumbled Davina. She grabbed my hand and pulled me off the bed. I was already dressed but felt disgusting after lying in bed for two days.  
  
"There's $40 bucks on the table," Mom yelled out from behind me. "Go and get us something healthy to eat tonight."  
  
"No cigarettes!" yelled back Davina.  
  
"If you don't come back with any." threatened Mom, but the money had already been shoved in Davina's back pocket and we were out the door. Ally was over at the neighbours house.  
  
"Is she back with Murray?" I asked Davina. She gave me a wary look, like she was afraid to answer me.  
  
I gave her an equally wary one back.  
  
As we started walking towards the bus stop she looked down at the ground while I waited for an answer.  
  
"I don't know," she muttered. When she caught me staring at her, she threw up her arms. "Well, I don't!" she said. "I mean, he comes over here in that" - here she snickered - "track suit."  
  
I let a small grin slip.  
  
"Maybe they are back together. I don't care," she said. "If it makes her happy." she shrugged. We were silent for a minute. It was about 7:30 and the sun was almost at the horizon, glowing a pinkish red. The evening LA traffic had moderately fizzled out and few cars were speeding along the road to our left.  
  
Did I want Murray to be back with Mom? I wasn't even sure anymore. The thought stayed in my mind all through the bus ride and now re-surfaced as I stood looking like a total dick staring at these pads. Just when I was considering getting out of there and finding Davina, someone grabbed my arm.  
  
Thankful for the interruption, I looked over to see my sister who looked absolutely terrified. My heart gave a sudden jolt. "What?" I asked. She yanked me away from all the personal hygiene products, out of the aisle and towards the back of the grocery store. There was a pharmacy located at the back and we stood next to a shelf full of cough medicine where Davina finally placed us.  
  
"Davina, what the hell?" I gasped, the red basket swinging from my hand.  
  
She nervously looked around. "I just saw Cameron and Seth in here," she gasped.  
  
My eyes widened. "What? What are you talking about? They're in the hospital!"  
  
"Well, not anymore I guess." Davina bit her lip. "They both look like shit."  
  
I clenched my fists. "Did they see you?"  
  
"You would have heard me screaming if they even came near me," she replied, her voice shaky.  
  
"Where were they?" I asked, scanning the area around us. If they saw me here.  
  
"They were standing at the express line talking," she said, also looking around.  
  
I took a deep breath and slowly put the red basket down beside me. Logic calmly kicked in. "Dav?" I said slowly. She looked at me, still biting her lip. "Listen to me. They wouldn't dare do anything to me in public, okay?"  
  
She looked skeptical. "Derek, it's SETH and CAMERON we're talking about here."  
  
I shook my head. "Believe me, there's two of them and a whole crowded store of people. Even they know better than to pull shit like that in an open area."  
  
She rolled her eyes - more in fear than exasperation - and started edging her way up the nearest aisle, slowly creeping away from me.  
  
I started to yell at her to get back here, but then followed her slowly shuffling up the food aisle. About halfway down it, we had a clear view of the express line. And there, running a magazine and a bottle of whiskey over the conveyor belt, stood Seth and Cameron.  
  
Davina was right. They both looked like shit. Cameron's right eye looked black, the skin around it puffy. His hair looked greasy and there were bruises on his neck. Seth looked equally disgusting, with cuts on his left cheek and bandages wrapped around the top of his head. He reached up to scratch his ear and I saw that two of his fingers were taped together. Cameron had his left arm in a sling and the vision of the two of them standing there together reminded me of two boys who had been fighting.  
  
"Jesus," I whispered. "Why'd they get let out so early?"  
  
Davina had no answer for that. "Oh Derek, why did you ever tag along with them?" she whispered. "Those stupid fucking Nazis could have got you into so much trouble."  
  
I resisted the urge to punch something. "Like they haven't gotten me into enough trouble already?" I hissed.  
  
Davina stiffened. "Oh my God Derek, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." I couldn't see her face but got the feeling she was teary.  
  
Cameron and Seth started digging in their pockets for money, Cameron having some difficulty.  
  
"It's okay," I muttered. She reached behind her and I grabbed her hand. She squeezed it and let out a long shaky breath. "We'd better go," I whispered. "They might see us."  
  
"I thought you said they wouldn't do anything in a public place!" she whispered angrily.  
  
"I don't want them to see me," I shot back.  
  
Cameron and Seth grabbed their purchases and started lumbering out towards the exit. Watching Seth, I could see he had a limp. Before they got out the door, the top of the whiskey bottle had been ripped and he started downing it. "Fat pervert," I muttered and turned around to see Davina picking up the basket that I had put down. "We'd better get going," she said. "Mom will be worried."  
  
I nodded. "But, let's just stay here for a minute or two."  
  
Davina nodded too. We walked around the store, picking up items and killing time. Giving Seth and Cameron time to get a good way away from the both of us before we left the store. 


End file.
